Thank goodness for coffee and chocolate and kindness from a random stranger.
Because earlier this afternoon I found myself stuck in feelings of unworthiness and self-loathing.
The one thing I still can’t seem to accept about myself is how deeply and intensely I feel, and lately it’s been manifesting itself as sadness and fear in the face of pure, unconditional love.
It’s funny, when I love something or someone, most times it feels like I can just explode into a million little pieces because I’m so full of hope and simultaneously trying to figure out how not to grasp and hold on to tightly to anything and everything around me.
So I love everything and everyone and I try to keep my hands by my sides and it makes me sad because I haven’t quite learnt yet how to deal with the surge of simultaneous joy and terror that what I’m looking at is what’s opening my heart and I know how its power in the past has left me feeling empty when it’s gone.
So I spent the rest of the day curled up on my deck, listening to the same song on repeat, staring at the trees, my breath shallow and my body shaking from feeling like maybe I’m just not strong enough to handle this world.
But as much as I allow myself to feel everything, all the time, I don’t believe that this is where it stops. This is where it starts. So I got up, packed my bags, and headed out to get some work done.
To drink some coffee. And get offered a half of a chocolate chip cookie from a stranger.
Life is on the other side of all this fear I feel. And no matter how scared or uncertain I become, it’s moments like these that remind me it’s time to get up and create and be everything I think isn’t good enough about myself. That’s where I want to exist. Learning how to be comfortable with everything I am and everything I’m not. And trust me, I know how uncomfortable and seemingly pointless it can seem to get up and try again, especially after all the fear and sadness is still steeping in your bones. But here’s the thing: You’re not alone. With all the feelings. With all the fear. With all the confusion. And there’s something quite courageous to be said about Being and doing despite the uncertainty. Being and doing despite the uncertainty.
And a big thanks to my new coffee pal, Corey. For the chocolate chip cookie, and the inspiration to write this piece.