I don’t know about you, but I can bet I’m not the only one who tends to get lost and afraid and insecure in the relationships that are most important to me.
It’s a habit I can easily sink back into, one I have to be consciously and constantly aware of if I don’t want the nagging belief of “not good enough” to infiltrate my every action and response.
I wrote the majority of this piece a while back and just recently came across the unedited bits. I share these messy, vulnerable self-sabotaging thoughts and habits because 1. writing them down and turning them into something else helps me make sense of it all and 2. sharing them on here is the whole point of Rooted & Rising: the stuff we think we need to hide about ourselves are the very things that connect us to others and set us free.
Filter. Filter. Filter. Process. Filter.
If you’re like me, this pattern feels familiar.
Unfiltered I would splinter
Into a thousand different versions of myself
Shattered in every possible direction
Just looking for an excuse to reflect
Back what I thought you were looking for…
Because maybe if I did this,
You would want to look back at yourself through me.
But as you came closer your reflection became clearer
And I know now it’s why you turned away so quickly.
It’s becoming very clear to me I have trust issues.
And there’s a reason.
There’s a reason I don’t trust myself with a lot of things
and it’s because I’ve somehow managed to fall back into
the same pattern of staying long after I knew I should’ve left.
But I am done chasing
What I thought was a better version of myself
I know now
This will never bring me closer to myself.
It’s funny though,
how looking at you felt so familiar and safe,
Because of the way I could get so easily lost
in your darkness
the way I do my own,
that I mistook you for home.
The #1 thing we can do to show up more fully for those that we love is to, ironically, focus on ourselves and all the baggage that we carry with us into our relationships, romantic or otherwise. It’s not the job of our partners to carry the burden of our past hurts or scars. There’s a difference between receiving their support and acceptance and expecting them to solve our insecurities or worries with excessive amounts of validation (Trust me, I’ve been there and I’m still working on it). Doing this temporarily gets rid of your need to focus on the heart of why you have those insecurities or fears in the first place, which can resurface quickly when they aren’t being tended to.
In writing out all of these thoughts, I came up with a couple more things you can do to improve your relationships, especially if you’re like me and you struggle with insecurities 🙂 If you’d like a copy, just click the link below to download it!