12 In Personal Stories/ Poetry/ Relationships/ Spirituality

When He Tells You He’s Afraid of Commitment

Okay, okay, it’s not just men who are afraid of committing. We all are, to some extent.

But I had heard the “I’m afraid of commitment” speech too many times so I wrote down my thoughts to address it.

Because let’s face it: The “I don’t want to hurt you / I’m just not ready for a relationship” was usually code for, “I think we should still hook up but I don’t want you thinking I actually like you, either because I really don’t or I’m genuinely afraid of getting too attached / because then you would call & text me on a regular basis as if we were dating / and saying that we’re “together” would take away my freedom from doing the same thing with other girls.”

Been there, done that.

Sounds good buddy!

See yah later.

Pro tip #1: The I-just-can’t-commit-right-now speech is also code for I’m-just-not-that-into-you.
Pro tip #2: This is not a bad thing. It’s just nudging you in a different direction. Notice if you’re resisting it.

At the time, of course, I was hurt. I had just gotten out of a relationship that made me feel like I was only valued for my body. Behind closed doors, there was no space for my mind, my thoughts, my fears, my stories, or my scars.

I mean, what do you do when someone only loves half of who you are? What do you do when that person is also you? 

So when my heart was broken, I wrote, and the messiness turned itself into one of my favorite pieces of writing: this poem.

It’s my personal answer to the guy that left and decided not to stick around. But more than that, it’s my humble attempt to offer all of us an alternative to what it means to commit: not just in romantic relationships, but to everyone around us, on any given day. Committing to loving, wholeheartedly, always.

Because this kind of love that we all search for and dream about is not limited to romantic relationships. And that’s precisely what can lead to their inevitable ending: the fact that we expect love to exist in certain places and attach our expectations to it until it’s suffocated before it has the chance to even present itself.

Comment below and let me know if this is a “Me Too!” Moment.

All my best,

And you decide
In a split second
Whether or not
Someone is worthy
Of your time
And presence.
A whole universe.
In each of us.
Waiting to be discovered
And created
With each new person we meet.

We can say yes
To the unknown
And risk falling in love
With ourselves and each other,
Adding new pieces of ourselves
With each conversation.
Or we can walk away
From this universe.
Afraid of where it will take us
Or what it will lead to:

Or home.

When I look back
On everywhere I have been
It is my hope
I can say
I gave you everything.

And it is an honor,
And a privilege,
When we decide
To meet in the middle
And agree to show up fully
For one another.

To be seen
Completely unfiltered.
That’s vulnerable.
That’s scary.
That’s intimidating.
But that’s magic.
Because it’s completely
Irrelevant to time and space.
To my plans or yours.
To your goals or mine.

It just so happens we meet
And we get to choose.
That’s the beauty of it all.
And it’s a crazy beautiful thing when
We say both yes to maybe.
Maybe you have something to teach me
and I have something to share with you.

Maybe this is the beginning
And not the end.
Maybe this does end.

No, it will end.

It always does.

But saying no to now does not postpone
or soften the blow of this inevitability.
It prevents us from feeling joy
by calling itself safety.
Honestly I just don’t have time.
Honestly I’m just not ready.
Honestly what could I possibly offer?
Honestly one of us will just get hurt.
It denies the power of what we have right now.
Which is everything.

Everything you think you’re saving for tomorrow,
for the next person,
the next relationship,
the next friendship,
the next town,
the next country,
the next year,
is wasted in waiting
for the right time to give it away.

Give it away now.
Over and over again.
It’s not meant for tomorrow.
It’s meant for today.

You walk away or you walk toward others.
In the littlest of ways
In every interaction
With friends
People you pass by on the street…

Whether you realize it or not
Your choice
And you can choose
At any point in time
To co-create
And walk toward the unknown
With a hand to hold,
Knowing the beauty rests
In the fact that you both know
These moments won’t last
But the memories will.
What you learned will.
What you felt, will.

Or, you could wait in vain
And save your love
When your plans
Are all figured out.

But by then,
Everyone you were meant to meet
And love
Lost out
On you.
All the lessons
You were meant to learn
Are now left to be learned
All at once
And it’s a painful
And messy process
When two untethered
And confused strangers meet.

If you are afraid
Of where each universe will take you,
Into oblivion,
Or back home,
Regardless of the time frame,
Regardless of your history,
Regardless of the circumstances,
Regardless of whether or not this fits into your plan,
Regardless of your fears
Regardless of theirs,
I can assure you
That every time you say yes
To love
To whatever love looks like to you,
We all
Get a little closer
To coming home.

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  • Reply
    April 4, 2017 at 8:15 am

    Wow!! So amazing!! When I thought about commitment, I thought about my girlfriend or to a certain girl. I never applied it to my family, my friends or the people around me. This poem is so eye opening and comes in so close to home. It’s nice to know that someone is here with me and knows exactly how I feel. So amazing!!

    • Reply
      Aurora Myers
      April 4, 2017 at 6:52 pm

      Thank you Devon! Yes isn’t it crazy that we apply all these special rules to certain relationships and tend to forget about everyone else? It’s definitely always a work in progress for me!

  • Reply
    April 3, 2017 at 11:34 pm

    Society tells women that we are here to serve him, love him, support him, be beside him, cook for him, clean for him, but society forgets to tell us what to do for us. I fell into the trap of being a body for people to fuck, for people to exist with, for people to hold instead of being a human with needs and wants. I thought that letting them have me was my way of also getting closer to them, when really I was just a body, just sex. Your words of wisdom here are so beautiful and so true and get at the heart of these complexities. We are all on the journey to become whole and once we realize that, well, there’s no stopping us until we get there. So let’s stop giving ourselves away in the process, because we deserve better, we deserve more.

    • Reply
      Aurora Myers
      April 3, 2017 at 11:41 pm

      YES. We have to remember our worth is entirely separate from others, and it’s entirely separate from what we can accomplish or do for others. We’re all deserving of love, simply because we’re human. Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing your insights Madison!

      • Reply
        April 3, 2017 at 11:43 pm

        You have a whole website of vulnerability and are empowering me to be vulnerable too! It feels good to share my story and yes I am taking back my worth!

  • Reply
    April 3, 2017 at 10:27 pm

    Aurora —

    This makes my soul happy for you. And me. And the world. I’d love to see where the world could go to if we all practiced this. Thank you for sharing. Love with giving what you have, exposing all you have for the world to see. Keep doing that, and I am positive you will realize what you already have found.

    • Reply
      Aurora Myers
      April 3, 2017 at 10:53 pm

      Me too! I would love to see more of us practicing this. I know personally working on this has changed things in a big, awesome way for me. Thank you for your kind comments 🙂 It fills me with a lot of hope and gratitude.

  • Reply
    April 3, 2017 at 10:13 pm

    What a beautiful poem. omg I really needed that right now. I read this the other day and I try to practice non attachment so that I am not torn apart by every person who deserts me: “We are on a long journey , birth to birth to birth. The people we meet in each birth, we are predestined to meet. It is also predestined how long you will be with a person, so you shouldn’t get attached to trying to keep together or feel sad at loss. Realize that you will one day be separated, and then you will avoid the feeling of pain.”

    • Reply
      Aurora Myers
      April 3, 2017 at 10:47 pm

      Hannah this makes me so happy! I know how that feeling of being left / deserted sucks so it’s so key to practice non-attachment. I’m right here with you sister.

  • Reply
    Stefani E.
    April 3, 2017 at 8:55 pm

    Agreed, we live in a “now”, “me first”, “asap” generation where people expect things instantaneously. Here’s to having the patience to enjoy something valuable!

  • Reply
    April 2, 2017 at 1:01 am

    Your writing is SO beautiful Aurora!

    • Reply
      April 2, 2017 at 11:55 pm

      Thank you Corinne! Love you so much!

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