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11 In Personal Stories/ Poetry/ Relationships

Why Romantic Relationships Fail

It was never my intention to write a poem that answered this question.
And let me be the first to admit I certainly don’t have it all figured out.

But after reading this piece over and over again, I realized I had uncovered the reason as to why all my close, romantic relationships seemed to end with me standing in a state of panic and loneliness.

So maybe the title of this post should really be why all of my relationships have failed, haha!

Because I had done the very thing we are all taught to do in relationships: love deeply.

But this whole “loving deeply” thing was something I unconsciously reserved solely for my romantic partner.

I lived like this, fully seen and wholly loved by one, but too scared to share myself with everyone else, for 5 years. The severe anxiety and depression forced me into isolation and I hid because I felt too unsafe and vulnerable to attempt existing outside of this one relationship. Existing was hard enough, and the masks I would have to put on to show up to class or social gatherings was more than I could handle. So I missed out, on purpose, out of fear, over and over and over again.

“No one else got to see my magic, my tears, my love, or my fears. I saved everything for this one person, and over time, it became too much for the both of us. “

We all do it, to some extent: Save ourselves for a select few.

Decide to open up and let ourselves be seen under certain conditions, in certain settings, after others have satisfied some unspoken set of rules that prove they can be trusted with our stories and scars. We are so desperate for connection, but we tend to go about it in an unhealthy, unproductive, and roundabout way, waiting for someone else to give us permission to tell us it’s safe to be seen.

The trick, you see, is to give yourself that permission first. Because the reality is everyone is scared to some extent. If this wasn’t the case, you’d be having amazing, honest, inspiring, life-changing conversations with everyone you meet, and I’m guessing that hasn’t been the case. I’m guessing those moments only happen between close friends and family, if at all. If that’s not the case, hmu and share some of your magic 🙂

The thing is, this limited loving brings an uncomfortable and unnecessary amount of pressure to a relationship, whether romantic or platonic, when we save all of ourselves for one person. It’s an unfair, unhealthy burden to bear. Since understanding this pattern in my own life and seeing its effects in others’ lives, I’ve found it a rewarding practice to stop expecting certain people to meet my needs. Instead, I fill up my entire day with conversations and connect with those around me, opening up to others in ways I was previously terrified of doing.

But you know what? Whenever you have the courage to show up fully, you give others permission to do the same. And that, my friend, is powerful stuff.

So share you story!  Maybe it’s that sometimes you feel lonely, even when you’re surrounded by others. Maybe it’s that your anxiety gets so bad you don’t talk to another human being for days. Maybe it’s that you get sad about things that happened a long time ago, things that you feel like you shouldn’t still be sad about. Or maybe it’s something awesome that you want to share but you just feel like no one else cares or wants to hear about it.

Share it!

We want to hear about it. At least I do!

Because guess what?

Me too. 

I get that.

I know what that feels like.

And chances are, I’m not the only one.

As someone who has been practicing this for a while, I can assure you’d be surprised at the amount of people you thought you knew that are really just as messy and uncertain and heartbroken as you are.

Some people just know how to hide it really well.

I have always been one of those people.

But I’m working on it.

I hope you enjoy the poem.

Love & Gratitude,

Aurora


I think
We all separate ourselves
From one another
In different ways
To varying degrees
To protect ourselves
From being seen.

And we pick
One person
And allow them
To see
Everything.

And we call that love.

We give one person
Permission
To see our wounds
Our fears
Our scars
And our past.

But in return
For this permission
We think we give so freely,
Are expectations.

Without realizing it
We attach
To each handout
Of our vulnerability
An expectation
That something must be returned.

We say,
“Hold all of me.”
“Hold space for me.”
“Create space for me.”

In one person’s hands
We expect everything.

And so
There becomes no need
To share ourselves
So intimately
With anyone else
But this special person.

Why would we need to?

We made an agreement
With one another.
When you become
Not just yourself
But someone who is needed
By someone else
So deeply
And so passionately…
Why leave room for anything else?

In one person
we place all of who we are
Who we were
And who we want to be.

We expect them to
Process it
Filter it
Transform it into
something more beautiful
Because we don’t believe
We can do that on our own.

And we wonder why
In the most important
Of relationships,
There seems to be the most pain.

There is more pain
Because we consider them
More important.

There is more pain
With those we love so deeply
Because we commit to loving
Only them
So deeply
And we forget
And we get too scared
And intimidated
To love others
with such
Fierce commitment.

We develop
No need
To share ourselves
With others
When there is
Someone waiting at home
To share our stories with.

Do not save yourself
To be seen only behind closed doors.

You are meant
to be seen
by everyone you meet.

You are meant
to be experienced
In new ways
In different seasons
of your life
by different people.

In every interaction.

In every interaction
You make a decision
Consciously or unconsciously
As to whether or not
You believe that person
Is worthy of your time
Your presence
Your patience.

In a split second
You make a decision
As to whether or not you believe
That person has something of value to offer.
Something to teach you.

And in a split second,
You make a decision
As to whether or not
You allow yourself
To be seen
For who you are
To share
Your dreams
And passions
And insecurities
And stories
And fears
And stories
On any given day
With no filter
And no expectation of anything in return.

Yes, vulnerability
is sometimes scary
And uncomfortable.

But you know what else is?

Loosing yourself
to someone
And attaching
your sense of
Self worth
And happiness
To that one person.

What’s scary
Is missing out
On showing up
And Being seen
And getting the chance
To learn
That you’re not crazy
And You’re not alone.
In whatever you are going through.

What’s scary
Is thinking about all the people
You’ve encountered
Or passed by
That could’ve have become
A blessing in your life.

Or you, a blessing in theirs.

But you wouldn’t allow them the chance.

The structure of relationships
Are all temporary, inevitably.

Regardless of form,
Ground yourself in love
And vulnerability
And curiosity
for everyone you encounter.

And you will never be short
Of coming across
And most importantly
creating
The kind of love
And connection
We all search for.

It does not exist by happenstance.

It’s up to us
whether or not we choose to be seen
For all our beauty
And all our imperfections.

It is not reserved
For the special” relationships
We so desperately seek.

The potential for connection exists
in every interaction.

So what are you waiting for?

 

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11 Comments

  • Reply
    Madison
    April 4, 2017 at 10:07 am

    I love this to the moon and back, especially “The potential for connection exists in every interaction.” It resonates so deeply. Being intentional with every meeting, every hang out, and fully being there with that person or people creates magical and memorable moments.

    • Reply
      Aurora Myers
      April 4, 2017 at 7:03 pm

      Yes! And the more we practice that, the more easily we can show up in romantic relationships with less fear and pain.

  • Reply
    hannah
    April 3, 2017 at 10:18 pm

    amazing. I have learned in this life that some of my best relationship are with my girlfriends. We support each other and it lasts years. It’s completely redefined who I know that I can count on in life. Especially since romantic relationships are so focused upon — it’s really our friends who offer more support than a relationship which can burn out at a moments notice. Love it!

    • Reply
      Aurora Myers
      April 3, 2017 at 10:49 pm

      Yes! We put so much focus on one person and forget to spend time with those that have been with us from the beginning. I’m lucky that you are one of those girlfriends in my life!

  • Reply
    Norris
    April 3, 2017 at 3:26 am

    This is beautiful. Thank you for opening up and sharing your deep experiences. I agree, not all of our magic is meant only for the person in our relationship to see. Of course, some magical things should be exclusive to the relationship, but we have so much love and other parts of us meant for the rest world to see as well. And that’s how we show up as Who We Are more fully.

    • Reply
      Aurora Myers
      April 3, 2017 at 10:10 am

      Thank you Norris! I totally agree 🙂

  • Reply
    Alicia
    April 3, 2017 at 1:37 am

    I was meant to read this right now, because I clicked on another article, and it switched so quickly, leading me here. Thank you so much for sharing your personal journey dealing with romantic relationships. I can relate to most of your experience. I have always lost myself in another, given my whole self to them with assumed expectations. I became who they wanted me to be, not who I really am. I have hid myself from the world for so long, and my heart, because of being hurt in the past.
    Your lovely poem articulates truth of being human. To share ourselves, our truth with the world. It’s a fantastical privilege to have a partner at your side as you do so, but to remember that we are sharing our journey with them and others, they are not solely holding all of our weight.
    Love the light you are spreading here and the awareness of our own light you are awakening 💖💖💖

    • Reply
      auroralyra
      April 3, 2017 at 1:50 am

      Alicia! I love this so much. Thank you sister. We are on this journey together and I feel so lucky to have your support.

      • Reply
        Alicia
        April 3, 2017 at 5:21 am

        Same here! 🙏🙏🙏💞💞💞

  • Reply
    Corinne
    April 2, 2017 at 12:54 am

    I LOVE this! This especially struck me: “Whenever you have the courage to show up fully, you give others permission to do the same.” So beautiful.

    • Reply
      Aurora Myers
      April 3, 2017 at 10:11 am

      Yes!! I’ve noticed that when I see others who are empowered/ are stepping into their power, it makes me a little less nervous and afraid to do so. We’re all just walking each other home.

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